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So am I: Projecting Our Qualities
There is this woman at my son's school with whom I have a very
bad human connection indeed. I think she is unapproachable,
indifferent, and unfriendly. In fact, though I like a few
people, there are more people in that school whom I absolutely
dislike. In my book they are all indifferent, unapproachable,
and unfriendly.
On the other hand I have a great human connection with my piano
teacher, now a friend, who is just delightful, warm,
interesting, generous, and very intelligent. Ditto for my son
who is also very intelligent, sensitive, caring, loving, and
absolutely hilarious.
How is that that I have great and not so great relationships
with different people? What is there that makes me like and be
liked as well as hated (or disliked) and hateful (or despising)?
Why do I recognize negative qualities in some people and
positive qualities in other people?
The answer is very simple: I am just mirroring myself in these
people. As we hate to realize it, the truth is that we all have
positive and negative qualities (according to our values, of
course) that we project onto others, thus, some people push our
buttons whereas others just delight us.
It is, thus, crucially important to know who are we exactly, so
we can transform all our relationships into positive and
gratifying ones. To know our qualities we need only make two
lists. For each list, get a piece of paper and make a line in
the middle.
In the first sheet, do the following:
1. Write on top: Qualities I appreciate in others.
2. On the left hand side of the paper, write the names of people
you most admire. They can be real people or imaginary
characters, dead or alive, that you have or have not known
personally; it matters not.
3. On the right hand side of the paper, for each person, write
all the qualities you most admire in them.
4. Keep doing this until you have written qualities for all of
the people in that list.
5. Do not repeat
qualities. Write them only once.
In the second piece of paper do the same, only this time, you
will write: "Qualities I despise in others," meaning all the
negative qualities certain people have that you truly despise,
even hate. Now, pay attention that you should not write about
behavior but qualities only.
For example: Hitler = mass murderer. Mass murderer is a
behavior, not a quality. You could write instead: Hitler =
unsympathetic (to put it mildly). See the difference?
When you are done with both lists write the following at the
bottom of each page: I see these qualities in others because
I too, have them. Ouch! How can I compare myself with that
despicable man?
Now is the time to reflect about each of our negative qualities,
the ones we are sure NOT to have but which, indeed we do, in a
subtle or not so subtle way. In our example: unsympathetic. Ok;
the guy condoned the murderer of millions of people. In what way
are we being and doing the same? You don't need to go far. If
you are not a vegetarian, you already have an answer. (The
comparison is lame, I know. This is just an example).
See? It is not difficult at all to see where our projections go.
Try it and I guarantee your relationships are about to change
radically for the better.
By the way: For some reason, I can't care less about the people
in that school. I, too, am indifferent, unapproachable, and
unfriendly. It is up to me to change the situation. Once I
change, everything will fall into place beautifully.
About the author:
Dr. Maria Moratto holds 5 degrees and is a life coach/educator.
She promotes courses and seminars in attracting abundance and
loving relationships, goal setting, diversity, time and stress
management, career delineation, values clarification, leisure,
college life, self-improvement, communication and learning
styles, spirituality, health and lifestyle. Visit her website at
http://www.rx4bliss.com . Sign up for a free e-zine.
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